April 29, 2025

I’m grieving. I’ve been going through mental breakdowns since dawn. It comes in waves. I’m in so much pain, unbearable pain, words just can’t describe. My heart is heavy as I write this. I swore off social media to focus on my family, but I’m back now for awareness and to go through my five stages of grief. I need to be heard.

I was at the Vancouver Lapu Lapu Day block party on April 26, 2025. I was with my wife and 4 year old daughter. We were on the street where the attack happened. We left at 7:55pm, 10 minutes before the attack took place. I got home, put Sofia to sleep, and got ready for some downtime, but a text came in from a friend saying something bad happened. Bodies flying, blood everywhere, people screaming. I froze. I started the process.

Disbelief. Shock. 

I couldn’t sleep that night. Countless hours scouring Reddit, the news, TikTok, all forms of social media for updates. Sources. How many people? Who did it? Why. The next morning more details came in from the police. 9 people died. Confirmed. A few hours later. 11 people confirmed. A baby. She died. Brain. Processing. I went to the vigil service. I prayed for them. I saw it. The site. Food trucks were still there. Tents. Litter. Blood. It was a graveyard. I met up with my cousin. She was there as the events unfolded. More processing. I woke up the next day looking for the killer's name. Adam Kai-Ji Lo. Mental health issues. Brother murdered. Mother attempts suicide. Victims. Victims making more victims. Breaking point. Unbearable pain. Flood of tears. I go to Yulia for comfort.

Anger.

I called my sister to release my pent up anger. I didn’t know where to put it. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hate Adam Lo for all the suffering he caused. I cried. I screamed at my sister. I wanted to blame someone. Hurt them for hurting those people. I want to be angry but I can’t. Adam was in pain. He needed help but they didn’t help him. So, he killed my people.

Bargaining. 

I no longer feel safe here. I need to protect my family. What should I do? Force. Be a force for change or leave. Fight or flight. Flight? I don’t know. Dad says I won’t be safe anywhere I move to. Any country I go to will have its own set of problems. Fight. Stay and fight.

Depression.

It hasn’t hit me yet, maybe it has, but I don't know. What does depression feel like? My dad says to keep busy and stick to routine. Go to work. Do tasks. Keep busy or the grief will consume me. Father Gregory says to guard against despondency, it is at my most vulnerable moments that the devil will take me. Pray. Turn to God and give him my despair, my anger, let Him do the healing.

Healing. Acceptance.

Three days have passed and I am not healed. The media has moved on to its next shock and disbelief article. Its click bait revenue. The public has moved on, but for Filipino Canadians and their loved ones, the tragedy of Lapu Lapu Day is forever etched into our collective hearts. A permanent wound in our souls. I am not healed. I don’t know when I will be. I just need to keep going. Routine. Work. Prayer. 

“Healing won’t come quick”, Fr. Gregory says, “I’d be surprised if you heal in a week.” How long I wonder. My counsellor says it varies from person to person, but she recommends that I do not isolate myself, but surround myself with people. People I love. So much more to say but my heart weighs with grief, guilt, pain.

No one will read this but I need to be heard. This post shouldn’t be about me but the victims and the impact they have on the collective soul. I don’t matter but they do. Pray for them. Their families. Their friends. The little girl. Her surviving brother. The Le Family: Richard Le, 47; Linh Hoang, 30; and Katie Le, 5. Kira Salim, 34. More names to come. 

The wave is back. This pain. It hurts so much. I want to write more but I can’t. I’m grieving for everyone.